Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
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“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Why is everyone getting married at me
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?