finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
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5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
I think I’ll stand
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”