Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
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My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.