Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
You Might Also Like
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Guy who likes music
found this cool rock hiking today
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒