Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
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I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash