When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
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Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big