My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
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GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Velcrow
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year