holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
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Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”