If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
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My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle