I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
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I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.