Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
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Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF