sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
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People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous