Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
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Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
any last words?
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Poetry is my passion
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.