Ah yes. The three genders
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The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
my first dose meeting my second
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably