Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
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News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children