This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
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That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
New Tinder profile.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Interior design 👌
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you