Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
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Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?