Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
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Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.