I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
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I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
not for long
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
a lot to unpack here
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here