Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
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i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Lucky old June.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
The Compass
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.