I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
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My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.