I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
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made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
This is sending me to another galaxy
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.