A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
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At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War