*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
You Might Also Like
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??