Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
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#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
you stereotypes are all alike
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?