Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
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I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher