Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
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Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.