The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
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Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
Can Happiness buy money?
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?