No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
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Doctors texting each other.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.