With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
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me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
hmm conte-me mais
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.