[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
You Might Also Like
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
This guy gets it.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…