GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
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My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.