Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
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People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.