me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
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My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
I think about this a lot
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
what?
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.