kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
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This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing