Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
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ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Buying a well is money well spent.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.