Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
You Might Also Like
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.