10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
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If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.