I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
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Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food