STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
You Might Also Like
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.