“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
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Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me