[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
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Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
This cat wants you to take your pills
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
My last name is Zilla.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.