Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
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a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”