I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
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Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
When they try to steal your moment.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
Just a reminder, folks:
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.