Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
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Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
my retirement plan is braless
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
some cats are just doing for fun!
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.