It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
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Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
How do dragons blow out candles?