It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
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Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
don’t be scared
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait