#FunnyLife Insects
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A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
iPhone X
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco