Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
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Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
fair
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.