Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
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Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
bugs when you lift up a rock
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*